Open letter dictated to Bryn Chowchuvech
From: Kim Chowchuvech
Date: February 11, 2004
Friends,
I apologize for not being able to answer the e-mail and letters from my friends individually. Each and every one of them lifts my spirits when I know that so many friends out there are rooting for me. Right now I'm just out of the initial one-month whirlwind-phase in which I was casting about for information. When it started, none of us knew anything about cancer. And since I had been so strong, I hadn't taken any preparations for healthcare. So for a month I basically went to three hospitals and a few alternative care therapies, and tons and tons of tests: scans, x-rays, etc. on almost a daily basis. It was fortunate that my older son, Kyle, was given a 3 weeks leave from Iraq so he could come and help. Together with my younger son, Bryn, and my sisters, they were able to keep track of what was going on. I just followed and let them lead me. I could not keep track of the medicine and what needed to be done, the tremendous amount of red tape at the social service, hospitals, etc. It was a month of visitors: my son's wife from New Zealand stayed for a few weeks, as well as my ex-wife.
Now that casting about phase is done with and I now know that clinical trials at the leading hospitals, such as UCSF and Stanford, is not available for a later stage cancer with an unknown source like mine. In this case, I’ll simply stick with the County Hospital. Therefore, the financial burden is not acute because I was able to get into a program for people without insurance. However, there are still expenses for alternative treatment; one of which I'm going to start in a few days which consists of moving my own energy, or Qi Gong, to cure myself. We'll see! During that month of casting about, since people were just testing, my energy was really low culminating in one scare a couple of weeks ago when the hospital called me in for an all-night blood transfusion when they found that my red blood cell count was only 25% of normal. I'll tell you, since I survived my MRI experience, I'll probably survive anything. I did not know that my MRI was going to take an hour. So once they pushed me into that tunnel, I was feeling okay in the beginning, but that's when my bladder decided to fill up fast. So at the 45-minute mark I could barely hold it in any more and I was shouting but no one heard me. Finally, when they slipped me out they told me I could not move and I had to wait for 15 more minutes and then they would fetch a urinal for me. But the clincher is when the guy told me “no matter what happens, don't let go because you have millions of dollars worth of electric equipment underneath you.” That was one of the longest 15-minutes of my life in which I had to summon all my strength of will to not cause millions of dollars worth of damage.
I am very touched by the support and help from friends: people from the Shambhala Center who sent me cards and practice materials, my friends from the music scene who set up a donation site to help with my medical costs and the benefit concert and silent auction (to take place in early March; those friends in Philly should check out www.zonicshockum.com/kim/ for info), a friend who offered me free ayahuasca healing with the shamans in the Amazon, and friends from the engineering profession who either helped financially or sent word of support . I accept all of your generosity with deep gratitude. Not only that, in the past month I've also had so much help and support from strangers-- people I don't even know, from the only oncologist at the County hospital who works from 7am to midnight non-stop 7 days a week, to the people who gave me a free hospital bed which I'm lying on right now. One thing I know for sure is that if I survive this thing, I'll definitely be a better person, having seen the face of suffering that I've never been aware of before because I've been so strong all my life. I have nothing but humility and gratitude for both my fellow sufferers that suffer more that I do under worse circumstances, to all the people who ease their pain. If I survive this thing I'd like to dedicate whatever remainder of life I have to helping my fellow human beings also.
I started my first chemotherapy ten days ago and I went from being nauseated (but I haven’ t lost any hair yet) and very uncomfortable to now just having low energy. I have no choice but to not go too far ahead of myself and just focus on what I have to do at the moment, like keeping from getting infections and sick because the chemotherapy really lowers my immune system. On a low energy day, any kind of long formal practice is difficult and I have to rely on resting into the naked now and let go. But I've found dharma sagara guru yoga to be a short, no-frill practice that suits my physical condition at the moment, including listening to the tape of Sadhama of Mahamudra.
I've always told friends in the past that when things get ugly to imagine that if a doctor told them that they only have one month to live, would they still be upset about the same thing? And that's what I always say to myself to find out what the bottom line is. Now I'm there in actuality. I found that the bottom line for me, the only thing that ultimately matters, is the quality of love, trust and respect that I share with the people in my world. That's why all of your concern on my behalf for the past month has touched me so deeply.
Love, Kim
Feel free to pass this letter around since I don’t have an e-mail list
posted at: 10:54 | path: | permanent link to this entry
