posted at: 00:09 | path: | permanent link to this entry
From: Kim Chowchuvech
Dear Friends,
I am steady. There is no cure for stage IV cancer like I have. The chemotherapy and radiation treatments I have been getting will give me some time to stay alive, which they have so far been doing (they may even cause the cancer to go into remission). I have come to terms with my mortality and have accepted the fact that I will die some day. I've given up trying to change that fact and will not try to hang on when my time comes, so you can say that I am at peace. I also have a strong connection and love for my spiritual teacher, who has actual instruction for me to prepare for death (doing certain practices of visualization and meditation), so I am not exactly lost either. So don't you worry. I'm not. I'm in good hands. Sounds pretty damn ordinary doesn't it?
I also happen to have strong support, love, and help from my sister and my sons Bryn and Kyle, who all are staying with me. We went through some emotional cleansing these past few months, typical of any loving family when one member has a life-threatening situation. We are trying to cope as best we can, some times succumbing to stress but not giving up on each other -- bringing out and putting on the table past disappointments and blames that were buried and never came out in the open. Having unburied them, we feel closer now. Bryn revealed to me that the doctor initially had given me only a few weeks to months to live when I first went to the hospital at the beginning of this year, so I already got my reprieve by surviving up to this point.
So far, the hospital has been giving me adequate pain management and equipment to help me with my diminishing mobility. What it all means is that I will not be climbing the Appalachian mountains or walking in the Amazon again. My attention now needs to be on trying not to fall and hurt myself when going to the bathroom and taking a shower, and to keep from getting sick. I will try my best.
I hope the above will ease all of your concerns a little bit about me. When we wake up in the morning, we should turn on music, taste a bagel, look at a painting and enjoy the sensory perceptions that this world offers us -- they're all here just for the taking. It took the loss of some of these abilities to make me realize how precious these sensory perceptions are, and yet we take them all for granted. Instead we end up being mean to each other from the get go, causing so much unnecessary suffering first to ourselves and then to others. Just turn on the TV news and you will understand what I mean.
Here's a picture of two "real" Thai fighting fish. Ever since I came to this country, forty years ago, I've always been looking for these "real" Thai fighting fish. The kinds you see at the store called "Betas" are what people in Thailand call "Chinese Fighting Fish." They can't really fight because they're bred to have big fins that look pretty when they flare. Nowadays, there are people that breed the real kind in MN, but they're selling them for $40-$50 dollars a piece. But a month ago, I found these two selling for $3 a piece. You'll notice that they're fins are a lot smaller than the ones on the Betas in the store. Because of this, they can move quickly and when I was a kid we'd train these fish for fighting. If you leave two males in the same jar they would fight to the death. That's their nature. There are various ways people train them. There are fighting fish rings and people bet on them. Observe how these two flare their gills at each other.
posted at: 00:09 | path: | permanent link to this entry
